Return of the Sith (and Smith!)
The title for those of you who aren't Star Wars fans, felt apt - "Sith" - representing the Dark Side, and the title as a whole reflecting what i consider to be "the return of power, to the 'dark side' of my life" - on a scale, this blog has not yet seen me deal with. Interestingly enough, (...to star wars fans, i guess... haha) the conflict of light and dark is one of seemingly limitless destruction, with prophecies of events or people that will once again "bring balance to the force" with Jedi teachings and lessons of how negative emotions lead you down the path of the Dark Side. Think about that, and the quote in the image to the left, and apply it to how your mind works when thinking postively, or negatively... Applicable?
First of all, I think, for my own benefit, I should address how utterly disappointed in myself for having been away this long. To the point, in fact, that it has additionally elevated my anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and, ultimately, the feeling being a let down to all who surround me.
I'm sure, like me, some of you (and under 'normal' circumstances) experience and battle with these daily.
In other, more positively focused mindsets, these feelings have really driven me to continue or push forward when things are hard, To a point almost, where i would consider it thriving. Using them at a distance to keep things in check.
However... when unable to create or cultivate a positive state of mind, instead of thriving, i feel constricted... Overwhelmed... Suffocated... The grip it holds, slowly ebbs away motivation, feasting and growing stronger with each unchecked negative or destructive thought, leading to the minds barren wasteland of destruction and depression that i find myself so familiar with.
It has been a hard few weeks, hospitals aplenty, for a variety of assorted reasons, subsequently knocking into my gym flow (another subtle self-disappointment that sits quietly at the back of my mind where it can fester, gain strength and bite me when i hit a low point) Most prominently, having to say goodbye to my dear old Granddad Bill, immortalised here, to the right, took my thought to a raw deeper level - one with lesser mindfulness, lesser control and a lesser overall perspective.
Somewhat of a local celebrity, a gentle and loving chap, always with a smile and joke on hand to give you a lift, even if not necessary!
The aftermath, both internally and surrounding me, has been incredibly overwhelming (see earlier post on "Empathy") ... I've become somewhat weathered against my internal struggles (state of mind depending) - but there is no weathering, at least not to me, for the pain of those you love, and the unprompted internal replication of such emotion.
On top of which, getting messages from the person I've been in a relationship with over the past 6 years, being away on an amazing holiday (distance between us, something i have always struggled with, her being as important as she is to me, passing me the news via text whilst i was asleep, was having to be evacuated out to sea, to avoid a tsunami that the earthquake in Ecuador had caused (unable to reach her when i awoke of course!) Worth adding, on that sunday, i woke up to a text message detailing the above, was half way through my coffee, before i got a call about gramps and told to make my way to the hospital.
Also worth adding, that i actually carried and managed that emotional strain fairly well until the Thursday, when he eventually passed away peacefully. - That, i am only now being able to credit, as progress - 6 months previous and i would have buckled at the text message and broken completely at the call.
So what to take from this? Well, im not really sure, it draws on some of the ideas i have currently on 3 A4 pages of a spider diagrams and planning for a post i was calling "The Well Trodden Path" - pegged as my "return post" - my work on this will continue, however... It has taken a direction I never expected and is starting to form what feels more of a research paper than a blog post, as such, i will continue to work on this privately. Some of those ideas have come out in this post on what i would consider a juvenile level, but mostly this post is to free myself from the internal pressures i have allowed to mount up, to let you know that i am OK and that i hope you are too.
It is OK to not be perfect. Perfection is an ideal, not a reality. I'm going to take it easy over the next week or so, i will continue posting, but try not to criminalise myself if i don't, with the aim of being back at full steam in a weeks time (#smallsteps. right?)
May the Force be with you.
Smiffy xx